something or the other
thoughts in the dark
we will all die. that is a fact. it’s encoded in our microbiology— a constant state of growth and regrowth until it stops. with this in mind, it makes life seem pointless to some and meaningful to others.
when i was born, i was premature and barely breathing. my destiny was written in that moment because since then i’ve barely been hanging on. life has wrapped itself around my neck and only let’s me breathe, at its mercy. and what is mercy but cruelty delayed? other times there is a weight pressing down heavily onto my heart to the point i can feel it slamming against the bones of my body trying to escape.
my brain is coloured blue. it’s not dying; it’s rotting from sadness. any sense of happiness or even simple contentment, trickles out of my brain through my eyes leaving perpetual stains on my already damp pillow. and even though my eyes constantly sting with despair, the corners of my mouth continue to crawl up to meet my eyes and laughter still escapes my throat. i hate the warmth it gives me because i know it is only temporary. it is a gift i know will always be taken away.
in every bite i eat, in every sip of a drink and in every word i say, misery covers me like an unwanted blanket. it holds me down and seals itself around me with my own weight. it leaves me alone with only my memories and thoughts for company. a torturous compilation of things i can’t change because i never had a hand in these events.
and whilst there may be times where the noose around my neck is looser and my days seem a little brighter, the minute i come home misery snakes its way into my veins. i look at myself in the mirror and i can see this air of finality in my eyes. i look like a damp piano on a wire, reeking of sorrow and just waiting to drop.